I tend not to be a jealous person. Do I wish I had a better car, bigger house, more money? Sure, but I've never felt jealous over someone else's house just because I live in a smaller ranch. Would I like a bigger house? Sure. Do I strive to one day live in a bigger house? Absolutely. But that is something I can control. I know that by making smart financial decisions now, Mike and I will be able to afford better things later on...like a house.
Something I cannot control is my body and infertility and, shit, that sucks. So while I sit here wondering WTF is up with my lack of an inhabited womb I can't help but be jealous of others that are pregnant. Friends on FB, people at the mall, celebrities....I don't discriminate. I want to see my belly getting bigger. I want to feel those first flutters deep in my belly...the ones so small that you almost don't even believe them. I want to hear my baby's heartbeat on my doppler and feel it moving around in my belly. I want to be able to eat a whole molten lava chocolate cake and blame it on the baby. Except I can't and I feel jealousy towards those that can.
Some days I want to deactivate Facebook. But then I go to the mall and I see a pregnant lady every 1.5 minutes. So whats the point? I simply cannot get away from it. So, instead, I push the hurt down deep and look away...or scroll past the post.
I'm not saying I'm not happy for these people, because I am. It's just that sometimes it's hard not to wonder why them?....why not me?
Maybe this makes me a bad person. Maybe I shouldn't harbor such pain over someone else's miracle. And trust me when I say, I'm working on it....slowly, but I am.
Huge hugs! It sucks and you have every right to feel that pang of jealousy. It will happen for you! I know it will!
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself for this. Totally natural and understandable. I remember being only half-happy for my friends that announced their pregnancy while I was ttc. I said to my husband "I'm going to completely lose it if one more person posts their pregnancy to Facebook!" Luckily I was able to write that post and feel that joy, and I hope one day you can too! Remember, you don't always know what it took for the person you see with that post, some were easy, some took 5 years, some had losses. It's hard to show happiness for them despite the pain, but I am always reminded that they deserve that joy too. You're doing great! I'm really pulling for you!!
ReplyDeleteI totally feel where you are coming from. It's doesn't make you are bad person, we are all entitled to our emotions and we don't have to justify them to anyone. I have been only half happy for friends for a while. I tell them congrats and then I cry my eyes out, and that's how it's been for months on end now, especially after the loss of our twins. You're doing great and it will come one day soon!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand and I am right there with you. You are not a bad person, you can feel however the heck you want too. It sucks! I used to go to babies r us and look at all the things i wanted for my baby that i couldnt concieve, i think i made like 30 registries lol It was something to give me hope that one day i may actually use one of them. The first time i went through IF i deactivated FB and myspace(long ago lol) but this time I just hide posts and talk sh&t to my friends that understand my sadness and frustration. HUGS to you D!!!! <3
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