So, now that I've aired my dirty little secret out into the world, I want to focus on explaining how not to act around me (or anyone that is dealing with IF). I know a lot of people read my blog yesterday. I also know only a handful of people commented on it. And that is OK. Hell, before going through something like this I didn't know what to say. I'm also sure I said some things to people that I shouldn't have. I didn't know any better and I was uneducated. So, if you didn't know what to say after reading my blog, I forgive you. Just knowing you read it makes me smile.
Now, onto my post.
What I am going through has been rough. It was rough even before you knew I was going through it. Did it hurt when I was asked when we planned on having #2 knowing we were trying and failing? Hell yes. I'm not even going to lie about that one. Do I blame anyone for asking such a question? No...its what I would have done in the past. So please, don't tread lightly around me bc you do know my secret. Don't go off and be an asshat and ask stupid crap, but I surely don't want anyone to tip toe around certain topics around me. That's just silly. The point of my post yesterday was not to deter anyone from bring up kids or babies with me. In fact, I'd hope it would do the opposite. Just please think before you speak...and that's not just to me, that is to everyone, about everything.
I am open and willing to discuss what is going on. I won't go into crazy details bc, lets face it, some of it is unpleasant. But if you're curious and want to know something, please ask me. Or google. Just educate yourself.
Infertility is a woman's dirty little secret that no one wants to talk about. Hell, insurance companies don't even want to pay to treat it....diagnose it, yes...but treat it, no. Crazy right? I'm not going to let either of those stop me. I'm going to talk about it...blog about it. I'm going to remember as much of this as possible in words bc one day I hope it'll be just a small part of my past.
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I admire your strength and encourage your blog. It is a difficult subject to address and you have done so respectfully and with a positive approach. Accepting that you are not in charge of creating the family you envisioned is very difficult. Though my story is not the same, I too was naive when I would ask people about their family planning. Getting pregnant with #1 was simple, 3 months of trying, and uncomplicated pregnancy and voila, a beautiful baby girl. #2-not so much. I too had my vision of the perfect family and quickly realized, it was not up to me...In the short version, we started trying shortly after DD's first birthday. After 6 months, I felt the stresses of TTC. What was wrong? Why did this take so long? I read blogs and community boards with women who were going through the same, and I felt comforted knowing that it took many people up to a year. After 8 months of trying, we got that beautiful postive result! Christmas Day 2011! What a miracle. The joy of expecting #2 was quickly turned to grief as I lost that baby a month later. We were devestated. I cried everytime someone would ask me "When will you try for #2?" I thought I AM TRYING. At one point, I told my husband, "If I see one more facebook post of someone announcing their pregnancy, I am going to lose it completely." It wasn't their fault, and I did not know their struggles to get to that point either. I scoured the internet for message boards and blogs searching for people who were experiencing that grief. I NEEDED to talk about it. I needed to hear that it was going to be ok. That I would accept it and move on. I am so happy that you are feeling able to talk about your struggles. You may be providing for women who hardly know you, but need to hear a story to which they can relate. In the long run....The doctors told me to wait to try again, but after losing something I so longed for all that time, that was not what I wanted to hear. Another few months of trying, I found I was pregnant again. This time-no joy. The pregnancy was riddled with anxiety and fear. I couldn't feel excited until the day she was actually in my arms. I know how it feels to be denied having a family on my own terms. Accepting that was the hardest struggle, but makes the journey a little easier. I am blessed to have both my girls, and the hardships to get to this point have given me a deeper appreciation of their lives, and have changed me for the better despite the damage. I wish you luck in your journey and hope that you keep the positive outlook. Prayers and love are with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, Steph. I've never suffered the loss of a baby so I can only imagine the heartache. I also found an online community to bond with and it helps in feeling like somebody understands a bit of what is going on. It's part of the reason I spoke up. So many of us were suffering in silence about everything and we could only talk to a select few people in our lives and it just seemed almost unfair. Anyway, I can't express to you how much your reply has meant. Thank you.
ReplyDelete