The ugly 11 letter word

Infertility

Specifically secondary infertility.

Definition
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

I am a healthy 27 (closer to 28 but don't want to admit that) year old woman and mother to a spunky, energetic, dramatic 2.5 y/o son and I suffer from secondary infertility. I struggled with suffering in silence or telling my (short) story so that the ugly 11 letter word doesn't get the best of me.

I've always wanted kids. I wanted them close in age. I wanted to have them and watch them grow up...then Mike and I could grow old together as our kids aged....travel the world...take vacations...whatever we wanted. Wanting to add to our family wasn't a hard decision so when the time came we never thought twice about it being an issue.

When things didn't seem to be happening as they should I wasn't ready to rush off to the doctor. I did some research and chatting with other women and decided to try some holistic things. I took supplements, vitamins and I went to acupuncture. As crazy as it seemed it was so relaxing. Unfortunately I don't think my acupuncturist was the right fit for me and my needs so I have since stopped seeing him.

My first visit to the doctor occurred in November to my OB. She chatted with me and ordered a panel of blood work. While waiting for those results I was given the number to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I called and was given an appointment for December 4th. After meeting with the doctor he gave a couple suggestions as to a "diagnosis" and confirmed that all my previous blood work looked good. Hmmm. So now the fun part begins.

At the start of my next cycle I was brought into the office. I'll spare many of the details but it was a month full of blood work (I think I had blood taken 6 different times), internal ultrasounds (keyword *internal*), a hysteroscopy and I was scheduled for a HSG that I ended up not having due to some timing issues.

Great news...everything checks out. Or is it? As happy as I am to be given clean bills of heath each time I get a new test done I can't help but wonder WTF is wrong.

Today at 9:15 I walked into Dr. Russell's office for the *dreaded* HSG test. I was not looking forward to this test. To understand why, google search HSG and you shall find out why. Anyway, I walked in with Mike and got ready to be told that everything was peachy keen and they still have no idea what is wrong. Boy, was I wrong. About 2 minutes into the test (and a LOT of pain later) I was told my tubes have no flow.

Blocked tubes.

For real??? Is this really happening? What caused this?

All questions I've asked myself. I can't help but think my c section with Nate has something to do with it but I can only make that assumption on the fact that I was healthy enough to get pregnant the first time so something had to happen between then and now.

Next month I get to have a laparoscopy done to try to unblock my tubes. I am hoping that looking back on all this one day, it'll be such an insignificant part of my life but it'll give me another baby to love.

I am way over ttc and all that it entails. Getting to this point has been difficult and stressful to say the least. You live your days as a number in your cycle. You pray for positive tests, negative tests, good news, something to hold on to. When you get bad news you pray for a better month next month knowing it'll probably be more of the same. Is my struggle as hard as others? No. Everyone's struggle is different and I can't even begin to compare my struggles with someone who has struggled longer or had more hardships along the way.

All I know is that I want to give Nate a sibling. I want to give myself and my husband another child. I want to feel complete one day. Is 1 child enough? Maybe for some people. Will it be enough for me? Maybe...maybe not. I will give this my all and hope for the best. I don't want to suffer in silence.

Infertility is more common than you think. Its people you know, people you work with...your friends, your family....maybe even you....it's me.