Now That You Know

If you missed my post yesterday, you may want to stop and read it before reading this one as not to confuse you.

So, now that I've aired my dirty little secret out into the world, I want to focus on explaining how not to act around me (or anyone that is dealing with IF). I know a lot of people read my blog yesterday. I also know only a handful of people commented on it. And that is OK. Hell, before going through something like this I didn't know what to say. I'm also sure I said some things to people that I shouldn't have. I didn't know any better and I was uneducated. So, if you didn't know what to say after reading my blog, I forgive you. Just knowing you read it makes me smile.

Now, onto my post.

What I am going through has been rough. It was rough even before you knew I was going through it. Did it hurt when I was asked when we planned on having #2 knowing we were trying and failing? Hell yes. I'm not even going to lie about that one. Do I blame anyone for asking such a question? No...its what I would have done in the past. So please, don't tread lightly around me bc you do know my secret. Don't go off and be an asshat and ask stupid crap, but I surely don't want anyone to tip toe around certain topics around me. That's just silly. The point of my post yesterday was not to deter anyone from bring up kids or babies with me. In fact, I'd hope it would do the opposite. Just please think before you speak...and that's not just to me, that is to everyone, about everything.

I am open and willing to discuss what is going on. I won't go into crazy details bc, lets face it, some of it is unpleasant. But if you're curious and want to know something, please ask me. Or google. Just educate yourself.

Infertility is a woman's dirty little secret that no one wants to talk about. Hell, insurance companies don't even want to pay to treat it....diagnose it, yes...but treat it, no. Crazy right? I'm not going to let either of those stop me. I'm going to talk about it...blog about it. I'm going to remember as much of this as possible in words bc one day I hope it'll be just a small part of my past.

The ugly 11 letter word

Infertility

Specifically secondary infertility.

Definition
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

I am a healthy 27 (closer to 28 but don't want to admit that) year old woman and mother to a spunky, energetic, dramatic 2.5 y/o son and I suffer from secondary infertility. I struggled with suffering in silence or telling my (short) story so that the ugly 11 letter word doesn't get the best of me.

I've always wanted kids. I wanted them close in age. I wanted to have them and watch them grow up...then Mike and I could grow old together as our kids aged....travel the world...take vacations...whatever we wanted. Wanting to add to our family wasn't a hard decision so when the time came we never thought twice about it being an issue.

When things didn't seem to be happening as they should I wasn't ready to rush off to the doctor. I did some research and chatting with other women and decided to try some holistic things. I took supplements, vitamins and I went to acupuncture. As crazy as it seemed it was so relaxing. Unfortunately I don't think my acupuncturist was the right fit for me and my needs so I have since stopped seeing him.

My first visit to the doctor occurred in November to my OB. She chatted with me and ordered a panel of blood work. While waiting for those results I was given the number to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I called and was given an appointment for December 4th. After meeting with the doctor he gave a couple suggestions as to a "diagnosis" and confirmed that all my previous blood work looked good. Hmmm. So now the fun part begins.

At the start of my next cycle I was brought into the office. I'll spare many of the details but it was a month full of blood work (I think I had blood taken 6 different times), internal ultrasounds (keyword *internal*), a hysteroscopy and I was scheduled for a HSG that I ended up not having due to some timing issues.

Great news...everything checks out. Or is it? As happy as I am to be given clean bills of heath each time I get a new test done I can't help but wonder WTF is wrong.

Today at 9:15 I walked into Dr. Russell's office for the *dreaded* HSG test. I was not looking forward to this test. To understand why, google search HSG and you shall find out why. Anyway, I walked in with Mike and got ready to be told that everything was peachy keen and they still have no idea what is wrong. Boy, was I wrong. About 2 minutes into the test (and a LOT of pain later) I was told my tubes have no flow.

Blocked tubes.

For real??? Is this really happening? What caused this?

All questions I've asked myself. I can't help but think my c section with Nate has something to do with it but I can only make that assumption on the fact that I was healthy enough to get pregnant the first time so something had to happen between then and now.

Next month I get to have a laparoscopy done to try to unblock my tubes. I am hoping that looking back on all this one day, it'll be such an insignificant part of my life but it'll give me another baby to love.

I am way over ttc and all that it entails. Getting to this point has been difficult and stressful to say the least. You live your days as a number in your cycle. You pray for positive tests, negative tests, good news, something to hold on to. When you get bad news you pray for a better month next month knowing it'll probably be more of the same. Is my struggle as hard as others? No. Everyone's struggle is different and I can't even begin to compare my struggles with someone who has struggled longer or had more hardships along the way.

All I know is that I want to give Nate a sibling. I want to give myself and my husband another child. I want to feel complete one day. Is 1 child enough? Maybe for some people. Will it be enough for me? Maybe...maybe not. I will give this my all and hope for the best. I don't want to suffer in silence.

Infertility is more common than you think. Its people you know, people you work with...your friends, your family....maybe even you....it's me.