Thank You

So remember my ambiguous last post about needing some thoughts and prayers? Well I want to say thank you, because they worked.

In a little over 2 weeks Mike will be working for a new company making the pay that he deserves (long drawn out story about how his current employer has dicked him over for almost 2 years on his pay).

But the best part? This company has infertility benefits that includes treatments like IVF!!!!

So, starting March 1st (day new benefits start) we will again be pursuing having the baby we so desperately want. OHEMFINGGEEEEE

2014 is looking better and better!!!

Wondering what is going on?

A whole lotta nuffin.

I wrote my doc a couple weeks ago and let her know that treatment was on hold due to finances/deductible. We conversed back and forth through a few emails. She wants so bad to treat me but understands that we are tied bc of finances. She even offered to get me donated meds to offset some of the cost. Love her!

As of right now Mike and I are looking at a few life changes...one big change. Those of you who know what this is about, I thank you for all your thoughts and prayers through all this. Those of you who are lost and are pissed bc clearly I'm keeping you in the dark, I appreciate you sending us any and all t&ps you could spare.

I feel really good about these changes and I have high hopes for 2014. I have actually been at peace with how I've been feeling lately. I feel genuinely happy for those that are pregnant and I have to attribute it to things looking up in 2014.

I'm hoping my next post will be full of great news and high hopes for treatment soon. We shall see. =)

The Conclusion.......

Has this been the longest two week wait ever?

Well I am here to finally answer the burning question you've been wondering....did the $700 in injectables work? Am I pregnant?

Answer: No.

Sigh.

Is this definitive with a blood test? No. But at this point the tests are negative...the temps are not looking good. Chances of pulling out a BFP at this point are like winning the lottery...the big pot not $2. But if I do get a BFP (or win the lottery for that matter) I will amend this entire post and give you all something special to mark the occasion.

I don't even think I can explain to you what a mind trip the last couple weeks have been for me. Thank goodness for the holidays or else I think I would be batshit crazy right now.

As I type this I'm not sad....I'm pissed. I am angry at my body for, yet again, failing at the thing it was designed to do. I'm mad at myself for wasting $700 we didn't even have on medicine that didn't work. I'm mad that my husband has to leave a company he's worked for for 5 years to find something that will cover IVF. I'm mad that with a diagnosis of DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) my chances of conceiving, even with IVF, are slim. I'm angry that I had a glimmer of hope this month when the hcg tests started to get darker and I got Mike and I's hopes up all for nothing. I'm pissed that bc my deductible is $3000 I won't be visiting my RE until we get new insurance bc we can't afford to pay for the visits. I'm mad at how unfuckingfair it all is.

After 22 cycles of actively trying...temping, opks, doctor appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, medicines...I'm tired.

I want to thank everyone who has kept in contact and followed me through everything. I really do have an amazing support system and I can't thank you guys enough.