Not too long ago I had a breakdown. A can't catch your breath-sobbing-hyperventilating-dropping to your knees meltdown. I am usually good at dealing day to day. I get good news and bad news weekly in relation to why I can't conceive and while I do cry about it, I can usually settle down, think of something positive and keep on going. I guess I was just buying myself time doing that.
It's been 9 months since my surgery. The surgery that was supposed to fix my infertility problem. Given that we could begin trying that next month, that would mean that if the surgery worked I would be somewhere around 7-8 months pregnant right now. I'm not and it hurts. December was supposed to be my month. Instead, I get to sit back and watch a lot of people close in my life partake in the joy I may never get to enjoy again. I don't fault any of these people. All of them have struggled with some sort of fertility/pregnancy issues in the past. I am and will be happy for each and every person who is pregnant but I can't lie that the holidays are going to absolutely suck this year. I should be round and full and swollen with baby right now.
I feel like a failure. My body can't do what it's supposed to do. I know my husband wants another baby and I can't give it to him. I did it once so why can't I do it again? And while trying to give him another baby I am put on all kinds of medicines that make me a raging lunatic. I can't stand my mood swings so I can't imagine how he hasn't strangled me yet.
Every day is a struggle. Facebook and message boards are constant reminders of all the pregnant people in my life. Hell, even Pandora knows I'm infertile and constantly gives me ads to infertility places in the area. Even when I want to get away from it, I can't. Most days I want to deactivate from social media and block myself from message boards but I can't. I need them to make me feel something...even if it is anger or pain. Without them I would feel numb.
I have a rough few months ahead of me. These months are constantly on my mind. I switched doctors which means I start back at the bottom. They want to diagnose me which takes time. Time I don't really have....and by that I mean insurance and money wise. Since I am fully covered medically (meaning insurance is paying everything at 100%) right now I want to do as much as possible. But come January 1st my deductible resets and I just can't see paying $3000 out of pocked next year to get covered fully again when I can put that $3000 towards IVF which is costs about 15,000 a cycle.
I've had a lot of rough news lately. I expect more bad news in the near future as well. I don't know how much more I can take. Every day...every pregnant person is a reminder of how much I have failed my husband and our plans for our family. I try to envision life with just Nathan and I know it will be wonderful. I think of all the things we will be able to do with him being our only child but it just doesn't feel complete. I don't feel complete.
Also, recently I have had a few people reach to me telling me they really don't know what to say to me when I post about infertility. I completely understand where you guys are coming from. Just knowing that you care enough to say anything at all is enough for me.
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